When I Asked About Belonging
Recently, WI 4-H collected survey data on statewide programming needs. At the beginning of summer, the collected responses were shared. They were categorized in content areas such as STEAM, Mental Health, Cultural. Based on my own local programming experience in the community, this was not surprising. It was common for needs to be described based on what youth would learn. It was difficult to include in the program description less tangible words such as ‘belonging’ or ‘voice’.
With back to school and new programming kicking off, I was interested in writing about ‘belonging’. Originally I wanted to focus on a distinction Brene Brown had made between ‘belonging’ and ‘fitting in’. This seemed a well timed conversation for youth and adults.
When I searched for a video longer than a soundbite from the self-described ‘researcher-storyteller’, I came across her TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability. I wasn’t sure it was a ‘good fit’, but I watched the video in its twenty minute entirety. It wasn’t a ‘good fit’, at least not for the topic for which I had planned, but it was the topic that answered my question more completely. This TED TALK ‘belong’ed in this blog post, because youth-adult partnership requires not just youth understanding and feeling the concept. It requires adults belonging too.
As recent as this past summer, I heard statements such as, “The relationship between adults and youth, it will just happen. It’s a side effect, kind of secondary.”
That may be true for some programs, but it was not true for Positive Youth Development programming, specifically Youth-Adult partnership. Intentionality mattered. Relationships and connection were not secondary; they were the point. What I heard in this statement was not that it ‘would just happen’ but that likely the adult had not experienced someone intentionally creating this space in their experiences.
What was important about what Brown was describing was that the gap in shared understanding was not entirely how adults were understanding youth, but also how they were understanding themselves. If as adults in our experiences we couldn’t completely conceptualize belonging for ourselves, what adults had done for us as youth or what our own interactions consisted of today, we would need to have that conversation first. It was perhaps even more important than the one we had alongside the youth with whom we were partners.
According to Brown’s research, adults currently are more likely to
- Control and predict
- Numb
- Make the uncertain, certain
- Perfect, especially our youth
Speaking from my professional and personal life, I agree with Brown. I also relate to her, because I fight against the idea that connection, something I seemingly don’t have control over, could matter so much in terms of purpose and meaning in my life. But, we can’t argue with the data, specifically the characteristics Brown identified that make one ‘whole-hearted’.
They are:
- Courage-tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. The courage to be imperfect.
- Compassion-to be kind to themselves first and then others.
- Connection with authenticity, let go of who you should be and be who you are.
She concludes that a sense of worthiness comes down to believing you’re worthy.
Just this week, I had a conversation with my gym trainer about an upcoming competition. My reason for not registering was that the idea of completing the workout in front of an audience made me anxious. “I understand it,” she said. “The idea of failing. Of being good enough.”
Control. Predict. Perfect. Each of these elements Brown identified were part of my reaction.
As adults in youth-adult partnerships, I encourage us to use September and its illusions of new starts, to retell our own stories centering ourselves, not the youth we support. Our impact will come from who we are and what we model, ideally the power of being vulnerable, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees.
Resources
Continue to explore the idea of youth thriving. Our team recommends Stephanie Malia Krauss. Her most recent book is Making It: What Today’s Kids Need for Tomorrow’s World.
Krauss focuses on the idea of the whole child. Whole is a vast concept. For one glimpse at all the details that create diverse landscapes of community and people, read Latinoland: A Portrait of America’s Largest and Least Understood Minority. Maria Arana explains her work in this interview.
Connect with story. Young Adult fiction is a great way to find the gray area between youth and adult for ourselves and the youth we support. Anthologies can provide a wide spectrum of experiences. A summer favorite was When We Became Ours: A YA Adoptee Anthology.
Choose an activity to do together that has nothing to do with what you think you want to ‘fix’. Our office has found cooking helpful to connect using the book, The Antiracist Kitchen.
Community organizations supporting specific mental health needs include Nami, Jacob’s Swag, Rock County Crisis Line (608) 757-5025 and Supporting You(th).
